What confidence really looks like

Whenever we tell someone to be confident, and they aren't confident, they always answer with a question: How I'm supposed to be confident when I have nothing to be confident about?

Like, how I'm supposed to be confident at my new job if I never have done this type of work before or never had a job before? Or how I'm supposed to be confident talking with people if no one ever liked me before? Or how I'm supposed to be confident with a relationship if I never had a successful one or never even had a relationship?

You heard that say " The richer get richer and the poor get even poorer " right? But in this case is " The confident become even more confident and the non-confident become even more fucking losers they already are". It might look like this on the surface.

After all, you lack confidence in meeting new people, then that lack of confidence freezes you around them, making you appear weird. Or your muster up your inner courage and you will end up appearing clingy or needy. Why? Because you lack social skills and of course failed on social acceptances before. And the same goes for relationships. No confidence in a relationship will lead to a bad dramatic breakup and the awkward situation that you are reading what I have to say. I like that, keep coming.

The confidence paradox.

If you have been a loser your entire life, then how can you expect to be a winner? And if you never expected to be a winner, then you probably act like a loser. While Tony Hawk becomes one of the most famous skateboarders in the world with " The 900°" you get at 360° and then go back to 0°, an endless cycle of suckage.


This is the confidence paradox, where in order to be loved, happy or accepted you need to be confident but to be confident, first, you need to be loved, happy or successful. It's like a dog running in a circle chasing its own tail. You can spend all your time trying to understand and sort it out everything in your life, but since you lack confidence, you are likely to end up right to 0° right after the 360°.

So let's break it down what we know about confidence on others.

  • There are a lot of people out there with tons of friends, money, a smoking hot body and they don't feel confident. Remember that rich kid that used to be in your class? Chances are they were shy and was afraid of pretty much of everything, and probably bullied as well. Or that girl who had a heavenly body, tons of friends but somehow seemed like she was always alone? I meant, she wanted a real friend, not superficial friends, and she probably was always complaining about extra fat. Or celebrities that are popular but they lack confidence in their popularity? Yup, tons of those. What all this means? It means that confidence is not necessarily linked to any external marker, but rather rooted in our perception, it means that confidence is how we see ourselves regardless of external tangible reality.

  • Because our confidence is not linked to external measurements, we can conclude that improving the external aspect of each one life will not necessarily build confidence. Think about it. Being promoted doesn't necessarily makes you confident about your professional skills, in fact, you might make you feel less confident. Dating and sleeping around doesn't necessarily makes you feel confident about how attractive you are. Moving in together doesn't necessarily make you feel more confident in your relationship. Usually, these situations make you feel less confident despite how many times you did or achieved.
  • We can conclude that confidence is a feeling. A state of mind. It's the perception of self that you lack nothing, that everything you need for now and near future. A confident person on social life will feel confident for not lacking social skills in their lives and a person with no confidence in their social skill will believe they lack the pre-requisites of being cool to be invited to parties. It's this perception of lacking something that drives their clingy, needy behavior.

How to be confident.

The most obvious form and common answer to the paradox is to believe you lack nothing. That you already have, or at least deserve and feel whatever you need to be confident.

But this sort of thinking that you are already beautiful and perfect when in reality you squeal like a pig and look like one, or believe you are a successful businessman when your only profitable business was selling weed in a parking lot in high school, will lead to the kind of narcissism that believes you much are more than enough and that make some people argue that obesity is the ultimate form of beauty and should be celebrated like Mona Lisa, and have their painting hanging on louvre in her place, because, you know, selfies.


No! The solution isn't feeling that you lack nothing and delude yourself into believing that you already possess everything you could dream (only narcissists bathe in honey and believes they are a gift to humanity). The solution is to simply become comfortable with what you lack.

Confidence has nothing to do with the comfort of what we achieve, but everything to do with the comfort of what we don't achieve. Yes, you heard it right.

People are confident in business because they are comfortable with failures.

People are confident in their social lives because they are comfortable with rejection and being on their own.

People are confident in a relationship because they are comfortable getting hurt.

Being confident through failures.


People who are comfortable with negative experiences are the one who benefits the most from life, and they are the most confident people out there.

It's counter-intuitive, but it's also true. most think that becoming comfortable with failures  that if they accept the failures as inevitable part of a natural flow of life that they will become failures. Thus why they try to keep the positive thinking all the time. But doesn't work like that.

Being comfortable with failure allow us to act without fear, to engage without judging, to love without conditions. It's accepting who you are, the perfections and imperfections, and understand that failure is part of life and be cool about it. It's the dog that let go of his tail realizing it's part of himself.

A Confident guy pouring!

The fear of rejection is what stop you from approaching that girl, that group of people, the confident do not fear rejection and they are cool with it, that's why they can dive their heads in. 

The fear of failures is what stop you from starting a business or to do something new, the confident do not fear failures and they are cool with it, that's why they start a new business or change jobs without seconds thoughts.

Life already gave a big "NO" to everyone we are entitled to little things in life, what we get in life come from the power of saying or doing something about it, or we will never achieve anything. Want the number of that pretty girl/guy? Then go ask their numbers, if you don't try, you won't have it, so what is stopping you from trying to get it? What is stopping you to get a "YES" when you already have the "NO"? 

Now, excuse me, I'm going to hit publish comfortable knowing some people will hatemail me, and I don't care :)

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